Random Criminals

So I own this book called Vornheim; The Complete City Kit. The author, who’s blog I read regularly, is currently running a contest regarding this book. The due date for entries is tomorrow (by the time I’m done writing this and actually post it, it’ll probably look more like “later today”), and I don’t have anything written yet, don’t even have a topic, and have but a few hours to write something up, but why the hell should that stop me?

First step: Topic. What might I write that I’d find useful in the Gutterpunk campaign I’m running? Easy question: A method of randomly generating criminals. Whether they be contacts of the players, the thugs mugging them or merely passing references made by passers-by, I figure this table will give me something to reach for when I need to flesh out the gangs of Tahmoor in a hurry. Vornheim has its Aristocrats table: I have my gangsters and thugs tables.

Update: I figure a five-way tie for third is still winning, especially in a contest where the only entries that get prizes are the ones the judge actually plans to use in his games. With that in mind, I won! Thank you, criminals and degenerates of Tahmoor, for your valiant efforts.

GUTTERPUNK: GANGSTERS AND THUGS

Roll once to get a fully-fledged NPC, roll multiple times to get a randomly-generated one. In the descriptions column, change “he” to “her” as needed.

01	Ceon	The Black	Unflappable and logical. Believes every ridiculous conspiracy theory there is.
02	Aspo	The Red	Eats candied leeches. Has gold teeth.
03	Elli	The Spider	Perpetually enraged.
04	Rauko	of Verdan	In love with most powerful NPC in campaign. Will never tell anyone unless drunk.
05	Tasteser	Halfman	Spins daggers between his fingers. Loves poetry.
06	Keri	The Maker	Secretly a serial killer.
07	Conon	The Ghost	Tattooed all over with butterflies. Believes that the tattoos allow him to fly when there is no moon.
08	Echo	The Jackel	Disgustingly racist. Cannot actually tell most races apart.
09	Annett	The Smiler	Tinkers with clocks and mechanical limbs.
10	Ariane	The Weeper	Builds weird techno-magic weapons in an attic.
11	Preda	Queenmourner	Amateur soothsayer. Never smiles.
12	Landgren	of Midnight	Hates everyone.
13	Chronis	of Merdallan	Extremely competent. Drinks heavily while on the job, never at any other time.
14	Nast	The Yellow	Owes everyone money.
15	Demere	The White	Smiles a lot, knows all the dancers in the Lower City.
16	Ducci	The Green	Amateur musician. Surprisingly good.
17	Chelette	The Orange	Believes the PCs are responsible for some recent small misfortune (losing a sock, tripping, etc).
18	Domingo	The Gold	Speaks a made-up language.
19	Ozella	Dogsson	Secretly an agent for the Darrigan East Exports Company (or some other mercantile concern).
20	Kano	Two-Hands	Watches for omens. Believes all of them are bad.
21	Boyd	of the Rope	Triple agent.
22	Mirtha	The Righteous	Hates snakes. Wears one around his neck.
23	Emanuel	Unseen	Self-orphaned.
24	Weinrich	The Hanged	Attends every service at the Grand Cathedral. Atheist.
25	Janay	Boneman	Instinctively punches small dogs. Cheats at cards.
26	Wei	Lacklost	Has his brain in a glass case.
27	Donica	The Forsaken	Tall, stern, tells very good jokes while glaring.
28	Darnell	The Mad	Cannot remember anything further than a week ago.
29	Giambanco	The Craven	Grieving forever for his lost love.
30	Montee	The Ungainly	Untrained boxer. Bets on himself in underground pit fights. Wins more often than not.
31	Doege	of the Streets	Has a bridge he wants to sell the PCs.
32	Sting	of the Rooftops	Has a glass plate in his chest, behind which his heart beats.
33	Black	of the High Alleys	Is protected by a minotaur.
34	Wach	of the Lower City	Is friends with every moneylender in the city.
35	Red	of the Underground	Eyes glow red when angry. Denies any demonic parentage.
36	Green	The Ax	Stares at one of the PCs. Ignores everyone else. Speaks in monosyllables.
37	Yellow	The Lesser	Perpetually stoned. Knows the secrets of every major player and faction in city politics.
38	Blue	The Second	Spy for one of the other gangs in the city.
39	Turtle	Dwarf-Son	Tells everyone he’s an exiled noble from a distant land. No one believes him.
40	Santos	The Bastard	Foreigner who does not really understand anything that’s happening.
41	Speyer	The Seraphim	Makes constant sexual innuendos, does not seem to realize it.
42	Caris	The Knife	Originally from a distant land. Does not like to be reminded of it.
43	Pulcher	The Noble	Wants to ride a dragon. Deathly afraid of fire.
44	Laue	The Grieved	Secretly an archmage. Kills spiders on sight.
45	Blackley	The Spitter	Extremely good horseman. Will tell anyone who is willing to listen about this amazing pie he once ate.
46	Soult	The Wanton	Habitually stabs his own leg with a prop theater knife.
47	Lane	The Unholy	Will get around to writing that grand philosophical book one of these days.
48	Illa	The Unknown	Obsessed with getting the answer to some question that has no meaning to anyone else.
49	Singson	of the Orb	Believes the stars are the eyes of dead elves, watching him. Will not go outside on cloudless nights.
50	Yuonne	Giantslayer	Wears a necklace of human skulls. Kind, generous, and good with children.
51	Mebus	Dragonslayer	Has made a hobby of beating urchins in dark alleys.
52	Sarchet	Ratslayer	Secretly a werewolf.
53	Alicuben	Whoresbane	True heir to the throne of some distant kingdom, wants to reclaim his throne someday.
54	Yue	The Nail	Dreams of saving up enough money to get out of the city.
55	Zant	The Hammer	Untrained alchemist. Unlucky.
56	Jainswol	The Captain	Completely unafraid of supernatural threats. Terrified of blades and needles.
57	Rieter	The Deserter	Possessed by a greater demon.
58	Tayse	The Forger	Believes himself to be a great artist. Is, in fact, a great artist.
59	Arlean	Come-Late	Addicted to the white poppy.
60	Hunter	The Penniless	Speaks with serpents.
61	Fear	The Disturbed	Ex-pirate. Wears an eyepatch and a soul patch.
62	Carlo	Ratcatcher	Has a mechanical arm with small built-in flamethrower, occasional malfunctions.
63	Migel	Mancatcher	Wears a monocle and brocade waistcoat.
64	Sage	Dragonsbreath	Actually a member of the opposite sex, disguised.
65	Yen	The Company Man	Probable orcish ancestry. Will poison anyone who mentions it.
66	Hai	The Waterman	Owns a famous fighting animal from the fighting rings in the Narrows.
67	Tuan	The Assassin	Believes himself to be a spy. What he perceives as orders from his superiors are actually random events.
68	Chieves	The Rope	Plotting the doom of everyone around him.
69	Jasca	The Northerner	Has a personal vendetta against a specific deity.
70	Wes	The Elf	Takes obsessive notes.
71	Stitch	The Painted	Wears only black. Believes the world to be flat, and will dual anyone who says otherwise.
72	Tebbe	The Dwarf	Takes a hat from each man he kills. Will not kill someone who does not own a hat.
73	Yong	The Gnome	Unsure if this is a dream or not.
74	Tosett	The Priest	Talks big. Can’t back it up himself, but his brother is a seven-foot-tall pit fighter.
75	Lanius	The Pophet	Cannot abide the color red. Carries a brass-tipped walking stick.
76	Foster	Gibbermouth	Wants to start a band. Will inquire as to whether or not any of the PCs play instruments.
77	Cecala	of the Fens	Brags about killing a relative of one of the PCs.
78	Young	of the Sea	Speaks every language except the one they speak here.
79	Skene	The Rock	Has been resurrected five times.
80	Dekrey	The Heartless	Abomination of science.
81	Knaust	The Grey Worm	Targeted by skilled assassins. Has survived thus far due to sheer luck. Thinks all previous assassination attempts were coincidences.
82	Swatki	The Unsullied	Does not actually have any internal organs; somehow still alive despite this.
83	Ezra	The Wolf	Has contagious dreams.
84	Aldo	The Wolfshead	Has worked for every major faction in the city. Is somehow still on good terms with all of them.
85	Ferdinand	The Berserker	In a wheelchair. Wields a battleax.
86	Etsuko	Wanted	Makes gloves out of kittens. Does not understand the distinction between good and evil.
87	Compagno	Sellsword	Never worries about anything. Can kill a man at fifty feet with a thrown knife.
88	Syrek	Sellscroll	Secretly controls the supply of opium to half the city.
89	Royal	Bladesmith	Expert archer. Does not own a bow.
90	Thiesse	The Witch	Really, really wants everyone to forget that embarrassing thing that he did.
91	Quillian	The Wizard	Is always cold. Feels smothered by heavy clothing.
92	Seems	The Sorcerer	Always wears a forced, teeth-clenched smile. Means every word he says.
93	Heline	The Prince	Worries about things outside of his control. Avoids priests.
94	Tock	The Tattered	Smokes anything he can get his hands on. Does not know how to recognize real drugs.
95	Zaya	The Banker	Thinks he was made for better things than this shit.
96	Inverso	The Shark	Knows where a fantastic treasure is buried outside of the city. Has never quite gotten around to digging it up. If pressed about it, will just shrug and say “It’s not going anywhere.”
97	Tallhelm	The Pirate	Lifelong slave, looking for a new master.
98	Pratillo	The King	Broke. Refuses to borrow money.
99	Hausauer	The Queen	Has a blood feud with half the city.
00	Dane	The Ace	Never stops punching.

Criminal Profession:

01-03	Pickpocket
04-06	Extorter
09-12	Smuggler
13-15	Arms Dealer
16-18	Forger
29-21	Conspirator
22-24	Whore
25-27	Burglar
28-31	Mugger
32-34	Assassin
35-37	Swindler
38-40	Kidnapper
41-43	Arsonist
44-46	Thug
47-49	Drug Dealer
50-52	Black Market Merchant
53-55	Spy
56-58	Heretic
59-60	Mage
61-62	Rogue Artificer
63-65	Fortune Teller
66-69	Locksmith
70-71	Street-Rat
72-74	Beggar
75-77	Bounty Hunter
78-81	Buccaneer
81-82	Fence
83-84	Gambler
85-86	Poisoner
87-88	Doctor
89-90	Summoner
91-92	Information Broker
93-94	Pimp
95-96	Mercenary
97-98	Loanshark
99	Doppelganger (roll again)
00	Undercover Chancery Agent (roll again)

reply Varrik , 13 years ago

I don’t get 49. The contradiction just doesn’t seem like it would fit that kind of crazy person, unlike the others. I figured he’d be a total shut-in, making things very inconvenient if the PCs wanted to get him to do anything in a timely fashion.

Also, 85 made me laugh loud enough to be glad nobody else was home. Well done.
- reply Adam , 13 years ago
  
  I don’t see a contradiction in 49. He won’t go outside at night unless there are clouds blocking out the stars, because he thinks they’re watching him. You could just meet him during the day if you knew about his particular neurosis.
  
  85 was almost an accident. I wrote up the list of names, titles and descriptions separately, so I wasn’t intending any of them to fit together–but Ferdinand the wheelchair-bound berserker is so good, I’m tempted to claim it wasn’t a coincidence.
- reply Adam , 13 years ago
  
  Wait. Shit. I wrote “cloudLESS,” didn’t I…
  
  Changing that.
reply JackShandy , 13 years ago

Oh my god, yes. Change “Dragon” to “Car” and this is exactly what I need for my 1920’s Call of Cthulhu campaign. Ta, could never be bothered hacking up a “100 Gangsters” table myself.
- reply Adam , 13 years ago
  
  You’re very welcome. Though you might have to change a few more things than just the dragons…the guy with his brain in a jar, for example, and maybe some of the names. Best of luck with your CoC game.

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